Reality Bites

God works in mysterious ways. Through a series of coincidences…that should not have occurred unless a whole series of other events had happened…I got in touch with an old friend who recently started working for a medical doctor who specializes in eating disorders. Apparently he is big. She got me an appointment with him and I went in Friday morning. The whole time that I am driving there I am telling both my father and boyfriend how I probably don’t even qualify enough to see this doctor and I will probably be wasting my money.

Turns out that I am bad. He did an EKG and a whole other battery of tests on me. In a nutshell, with the results I could have been admitted to the cardio care unit of the hospital immediately. My resting heart rate is over 15 points lower than the most elite athletes…and that was after a 30 oz cup of coffee. My heart has shrunk significantly due to starvation and lack of protein. He is amazed that I have not dropped of a heart attack yet with the amount of running that I do. I am strictly prohibited from doing any exercise and he is not sure when I will ever be able to again. He wants me to check into a care facility. I am also clinically depressed enough to recommend an inpatient hospitalization.
And I thought that I was on the bad side of relatively normal.

If GOD had not created all these coincidences I would have never known this and maybe ACCIDENTALLY checked out in who knows how far into the future. I would have done my triathlon and probably killed myself in the process.

The sad thing is that now that I am away from the doctor, I am struggling to eat. I KNOW how I need to feed my heart and my brain…and I am trying and I am doing better than before. But, I struggle mentally and am probably not yet to where I need to be calorie wise. I have binged a few times since and feel like total sh*t. I can’t exercise and that is the biggest mental struggle so far. If I can’t exercise than how can I eat. If I have to eat without the balance of exercise then how will I look good in my clothes? I am so screwed up in the head that I am more concerned with my image than my life. PLEASE HELP ME GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!