Learning Balance

One of the reasons I don't qualify myself mentally as an anorexic is because I will go through depressive bouts where I will binge. One day of binging followed by 2 weeks of starvation. Starve, binge, starve and stress.... When I binge I can finally sleep, and it feels great for a split second. My body and mind are temporarily satisfied and the voices stop. I fall asleep with a full belly. But the moment I wake up, the severe mental anguish begins. The voices I hear are not worth those few hours of silence.

My boyfriend is making me eat now. I have managed my mind...somewhat....and probably with the help of the heavy dose of Prozac that my doctor has prescribed.....by just eating half of whatever I am asked, etc. My problem is that it is feast or famine.

I would always rather not eat. I feel in control.

If I have to eat, I stress. I stress in the hours prior to eating. If I know I have to eat a meal that 'isn't worth it'...but I have to eat it...I will stress all waking hours before. But once I do it - and just eat half - then it is like...."I did it!!!". I stressed and ate....so now JUST EAT EVERYTHING. You dealt with the pain. As long as you had to go there....GO THERE. I take a healthy portion that is manageable from weight standards, and then want to supplement that with tons of food. I have done that 2 times since I was 'under watch' and I HATE MYSELF after. Ice cream is my thing. I will eat dinner and then obsess about eating ice cream... I will eat it and then HATE MYSELF.

This morning I was forced to eat breakfast. Not my 'f'ed up' breakfast (per my boyfriend), but real eggs and bacon. I ate 2 eggs and 1.5 pieces of bacon and half of a biscuit. Quite a lot for me, but not excessive. I calculated that at max I ate 450 calories. Mind you...that is more than I generally used to eat in one whole day. I did it.... I mentally managed it. But now, my body is saying "I'm hungry" again. Is it my body or my mind??? That is where the difficulty is....distinction.

Part of me learning to manage my disorder is learning to manage the extremes.