Low Points

If I put them on paper I become accountable and they become real. I expose myself and all others to tell me how screwed up I am in the head. Because to this point I acknowledge that they are “lows”but I still don’t see them as that bad…

Lows:
1. Spending hours at my elementary school where I teach researching how to be Bulimic
2. Trying laxatives for a few weeks
3. Being excited the day that I threw up in the afternoon due to taking multivitamins on an empty stomach because I purged myself of maybe 50 calories. That brought my total down to maybe 200 for the day.
4. The evening that I drove around to at least 4 or 5 places and got sweets from them all….ice cream, cupcakes, donuts, pie….and closet ate in my apartment. I probably consumed 4000 calories at least in one sitting. I felt sick but I kept eating and then licked the boxes clean.
5. The day that I was at woke and on the verge of passing out. I went with a student to the nurses office and she took my heart rate. It was 47….which is a bit more than it would be 2 weeks later. She told me that if it hadn’t increased in 1 hour that she would take me to the ER. I knew why it was so low and actually felt accomplished.


Highs:
Feeling the control of going to some restaurant and eating a very small portion…but something…and not feeling like I was going to break down afterwards.
Increasing my calories from 3-400 all the way to probably 800 or more and surviving. Noticing that I wont gain weight just because I eat something or incorporate protein into my diet. But if this the case then how come I still have so much trouble doing it.