Giving it to God

I know that I'm supposed to....just let go and be along for the ride trusting that God will take care of me. I know that is what I want to be able to do. I'm not that strong yet. I stress about eating. I stress even more about getting dressed. I put myself through the agony of trying on all the clothes in my closet every day as a test to what fits.

At church yesterday the sermon was all about filling the hole that we have in our lives meant for Jesus with compulsions in our search for each individual's 'higher purpose' in life. Mine I am filling with an eating disorder and compulsive exercise. "If only I can be 123 pounds, then I could be able to find and understand happiness in my life" I have heard me tell myself. But when I was there it was a compulsion to stay there. My life stopped in order to maintain that weight. I didn't let go and become free like I seemed to think I would. But I was "happy". The funny thing is that I wasn't.

The lesson is that I need to find happiness in my relationship and devotion to God...not in how I look or how my clothes fit. What earthly purpose do those things present in my contribution to this earth?

The funny thing is that I can type all of this and rationalize it out and for a split second really believe that it is true....

But I can't bring myself to eat.