Hard Headed

I went to the doctor again today. I admitted to him that I am struggling to eat all 1500 calories a day that he asked me to. We talked about what I have been eating and my feelings about it. He basically told me that he thinks it is time for me to go to a treatment center. The short and long of it is that if I don't start to eat 1,500 calories minimum per day, that I am going to go to a hospital in Utah for 8 weeks. My parents want me to go now. I don't want to even call them like he asked me to. I have to want to go for it to be effective and I don't want to go. I can know that I am killing my body and this spider on my brain can still rationalize why I shouldn't allow myself to eat. The doctor says that either I CAN eat and my feelings can hurt and my mind race and my body can get try to get better, or I can NOT eat and have a quite head but kill off my insides. Even hearing that I'm still struggling to eat. Even hearing that...and both the doctor and my boyfriend telling me that it is mandatory that I eat something substantial for lunch...I still am having a hard time with it. You would think that me KNOWING that I have created a cardiac problem for myself, done permanant damage to my liver and kidneys, and no longer am growing bone would CHANGE how I view my self starving ways...but it hasn't.

My boyfriend gets to dictate what I eat - 3 meals a day - for the next week. I am SO stressed about this that I have been fidgetty nervous since the moment it was decreed. I have no control over the next week and it is killing me. I guess that alternative is me killing me...and Utah.