Thursday, May 31, 2007
God Has A Hand
The doctor tells me that I would have died of a heart attack if I had done my triathlon this last weekend like I was supposed to. I didn't do it because the doctor strictly forebade me to. Turns out that the triathlon got canceled due to rain but was beautiful shortly there after. It makes me feel like it was God making sure that I didn't go anywhere because it wasn't my time....regardless of whether my path was EXACTLY as it is. Maybe if I hadn't experienced my recent changes, God still wasn't going to let me participate and die.
Dying to be Thin
I am reading this book called Dying to be Thin. It is so scary…and comforting…to read other’s stories to see how closely they parallel mine. The only difference is that most of them are like 90 lbs..which is NOT like me. The scariest thing I read was the first line of the book: Up to 15% of the people who are diagnosed this year with anorexia will die this year.
Low Points
If I put them on paper I become accountable and they become real. I expose myself and all others to tell me how screwed up I am in the head. Because to this point I acknowledge that they are “lows”but I still don’t see them as that bad…
Lows:
1. Spending hours at my elementary school where I teach researching how to be Bulimic
2. Trying laxatives for a few weeks
3. Being excited the day that I threw up in the afternoon due to taking multivitamins on an empty stomach because I purged myself of maybe 50 calories. That brought my total down to maybe 200 for the day.
4. The evening that I drove around to at least 4 or 5 places and got sweets from them all….ice cream, cupcakes, donuts, pie….and closet ate in my apartment. I probably consumed 4000 calories at least in one sitting. I felt sick but I kept eating and then licked the boxes clean.
5. The day that I was at woke and on the verge of passing out. I went with a student to the nurses office and she took my heart rate. It was 47….which is a bit more than it would be 2 weeks later. She told me that if it hadn’t increased in 1 hour that she would take me to the ER. I knew why it was so low and actually felt accomplished.
Highs:
Feeling the control of going to some restaurant and eating a very small portion…but something…and not feeling like I was going to break down afterwards.
Increasing my calories from 3-400 all the way to probably 800 or more and surviving. Noticing that I wont gain weight just because I eat something or incorporate protein into my diet. But if this the case then how come I still have so much trouble doing it.
Lows:
1. Spending hours at my elementary school where I teach researching how to be Bulimic
2. Trying laxatives for a few weeks
3. Being excited the day that I threw up in the afternoon due to taking multivitamins on an empty stomach because I purged myself of maybe 50 calories. That brought my total down to maybe 200 for the day.
4. The evening that I drove around to at least 4 or 5 places and got sweets from them all….ice cream, cupcakes, donuts, pie….and closet ate in my apartment. I probably consumed 4000 calories at least in one sitting. I felt sick but I kept eating and then licked the boxes clean.
5. The day that I was at woke and on the verge of passing out. I went with a student to the nurses office and she took my heart rate. It was 47….which is a bit more than it would be 2 weeks later. She told me that if it hadn’t increased in 1 hour that she would take me to the ER. I knew why it was so low and actually felt accomplished.
Highs:
Feeling the control of going to some restaurant and eating a very small portion…but something…and not feeling like I was going to break down afterwards.
Increasing my calories from 3-400 all the way to probably 800 or more and surviving. Noticing that I wont gain weight just because I eat something or incorporate protein into my diet. But if this the case then how come I still have so much trouble doing it.
Split Personalities
My boyfriend has come up with a new nickname for me. Annie. When I am stressing about eating or giving him a hard time about how much I am going to eat, etc he calls me Annie. He wakes up every morning and asks me who is there….Annie or Megan? He says that Annie is evil and that he misses his sweet, princess Megan….the person who was happy and confident and ate like a normal person. The funny thing is that is exactly how I feel….like a split personality. Megan KNOWS how ridiculous she is. Megan is the woman inside who wakes up and gets dressed every morning with confidence. Annie is the one who takes over and starts the voices. The voices saying ‘that’s to many calories”….”just press on even though you are hungry and can’t sleep…you’ll fall asleep eventually.” Annie is sick, and she makes my life hell.
Annie was with me last night. I was made to go to a Chinese restaurant. I would classify this as the worst possible type of restaurant I would be made to go to. Chinese restaurants are the epitome of fat and sodium….an anorexic hell. I ordered something very sensible. Mixed Veggies as my side and Beef and Broccoli as my main. I of course had already researched the menu and caloric value of it all. Truthfully, the calorie content was much better than if I was forced to eat a commercially made sandwich, etc. We were eating as a family so I had to be strong. Annie literally made Megan have to get up from the table to go to the bathroom to cry because I couldn’t make myself eat the meat in the dish. Even though my heart is hanging on by a thread, I was sitting there crying over the fact that I could not eat the food in front of me.
Annie was with me last night. I was made to go to a Chinese restaurant. I would classify this as the worst possible type of restaurant I would be made to go to. Chinese restaurants are the epitome of fat and sodium….an anorexic hell. I ordered something very sensible. Mixed Veggies as my side and Beef and Broccoli as my main. I of course had already researched the menu and caloric value of it all. Truthfully, the calorie content was much better than if I was forced to eat a commercially made sandwich, etc. We were eating as a family so I had to be strong. Annie literally made Megan have to get up from the table to go to the bathroom to cry because I couldn’t make myself eat the meat in the dish. Even though my heart is hanging on by a thread, I was sitting there crying over the fact that I could not eat the food in front of me.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Hard Headed
I went to the doctor again today. I admitted to him that I am struggling to eat all 1500 calories a day that he asked me to. We talked about what I have been eating and my feelings about it. He basically told me that he thinks it is time for me to go to a treatment center. The short and long of it is that if I don't start to eat 1,500 calories minimum per day, that I am going to go to a hospital in Utah for 8 weeks. My parents want me to go now. I don't want to even call them like he asked me to. I have to want to go for it to be effective and I don't want to go. I can know that I am killing my body and this spider on my brain can still rationalize why I shouldn't allow myself to eat. The doctor says that either I CAN eat and my feelings can hurt and my mind race and my body can get try to get better, or I can NOT eat and have a quite head but kill off my insides. Even hearing that I'm still struggling to eat. Even hearing that...and both the doctor and my boyfriend telling me that it is mandatory that I eat something substantial for lunch...I still am having a hard time with it. You would think that me KNOWING that I have created a cardiac problem for myself, done permanant damage to my liver and kidneys, and no longer am growing bone would CHANGE how I view my self starving ways...but it hasn't.
My boyfriend gets to dictate what I eat - 3 meals a day - for the next week. I am SO stressed about this that I have been fidgetty nervous since the moment it was decreed. I have no control over the next week and it is killing me. I guess that alternative is me killing me...and Utah.
My boyfriend gets to dictate what I eat - 3 meals a day - for the next week. I am SO stressed about this that I have been fidgetty nervous since the moment it was decreed. I have no control over the next week and it is killing me. I guess that alternative is me killing me...and Utah.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Learning Balance
One of the reasons I don't qualify myself mentally as an anorexic is because I will go through depressive bouts where I will binge. One day of binging followed by 2 weeks of starvation. Starve, binge, starve and stress.... When I binge I can finally sleep, and it feels great for a split second. My body and mind are temporarily satisfied and the voices stop. I fall asleep with a full belly. But the moment I wake up, the severe mental anguish begins. The voices I hear are not worth those few hours of silence.
My boyfriend is making me eat now. I have managed my mind...somewhat....and probably with the help of the heavy dose of Prozac that my doctor has prescribed.....by just eating half of whatever I am asked, etc. My problem is that it is feast or famine.
I would always rather not eat. I feel in control.
If I have to eat, I stress. I stress in the hours prior to eating. If I know I have to eat a meal that 'isn't worth it'...but I have to eat it...I will stress all waking hours before. But once I do it - and just eat half - then it is like...."I did it!!!". I stressed and ate....so now JUST EAT EVERYTHING. You dealt with the pain. As long as you had to go there....GO THERE. I take a healthy portion that is manageable from weight standards, and then want to supplement that with tons of food. I have done that 2 times since I was 'under watch' and I HATE MYSELF after. Ice cream is my thing. I will eat dinner and then obsess about eating ice cream... I will eat it and then HATE MYSELF.
This morning I was forced to eat breakfast. Not my 'f'ed up' breakfast (per my boyfriend), but real eggs and bacon. I ate 2 eggs and 1.5 pieces of bacon and half of a biscuit. Quite a lot for me, but not excessive. I calculated that at max I ate 450 calories. Mind you...that is more than I generally used to eat in one whole day. I did it.... I mentally managed it. But now, my body is saying "I'm hungry" again. Is it my body or my mind??? That is where the difficulty is....distinction.
Part of me learning to manage my disorder is learning to manage the extremes.
My boyfriend is making me eat now. I have managed my mind...somewhat....and probably with the help of the heavy dose of Prozac that my doctor has prescribed.....by just eating half of whatever I am asked, etc. My problem is that it is feast or famine.
I would always rather not eat. I feel in control.
If I have to eat, I stress. I stress in the hours prior to eating. If I know I have to eat a meal that 'isn't worth it'...but I have to eat it...I will stress all waking hours before. But once I do it - and just eat half - then it is like...."I did it!!!". I stressed and ate....so now JUST EAT EVERYTHING. You dealt with the pain. As long as you had to go there....GO THERE. I take a healthy portion that is manageable from weight standards, and then want to supplement that with tons of food. I have done that 2 times since I was 'under watch' and I HATE MYSELF after. Ice cream is my thing. I will eat dinner and then obsess about eating ice cream... I will eat it and then HATE MYSELF.
This morning I was forced to eat breakfast. Not my 'f'ed up' breakfast (per my boyfriend), but real eggs and bacon. I ate 2 eggs and 1.5 pieces of bacon and half of a biscuit. Quite a lot for me, but not excessive. I calculated that at max I ate 450 calories. Mind you...that is more than I generally used to eat in one whole day. I did it.... I mentally managed it. But now, my body is saying "I'm hungry" again. Is it my body or my mind??? That is where the difficulty is....distinction.
Part of me learning to manage my disorder is learning to manage the extremes.
Giving it to God
I know that I'm supposed to....just let go and be along for the ride trusting that God will take care of me. I know that is what I want to be able to do. I'm not that strong yet. I stress about eating. I stress even more about getting dressed. I put myself through the agony of trying on all the clothes in my closet every day as a test to what fits.
At church yesterday the sermon was all about filling the hole that we have in our lives meant for Jesus with compulsions in our search for each individual's 'higher purpose' in life. Mine I am filling with an eating disorder and compulsive exercise. "If only I can be 123 pounds, then I could be able to find and understand happiness in my life" I have heard me tell myself. But when I was there it was a compulsion to stay there. My life stopped in order to maintain that weight. I didn't let go and become free like I seemed to think I would. But I was "happy". The funny thing is that I wasn't.
The lesson is that I need to find happiness in my relationship and devotion to God...not in how I look or how my clothes fit. What earthly purpose do those things present in my contribution to this earth?
The funny thing is that I can type all of this and rationalize it out and for a split second really believe that it is true....
But I can't bring myself to eat.
At church yesterday the sermon was all about filling the hole that we have in our lives meant for Jesus with compulsions in our search for each individual's 'higher purpose' in life. Mine I am filling with an eating disorder and compulsive exercise. "If only I can be 123 pounds, then I could be able to find and understand happiness in my life" I have heard me tell myself. But when I was there it was a compulsion to stay there. My life stopped in order to maintain that weight. I didn't let go and become free like I seemed to think I would. But I was "happy". The funny thing is that I wasn't.
The lesson is that I need to find happiness in my relationship and devotion to God...not in how I look or how my clothes fit. What earthly purpose do those things present in my contribution to this earth?
The funny thing is that I can type all of this and rationalize it out and for a split second really believe that it is true....
But I can't bring myself to eat.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
The Face of Anorexia
Anorexia doesn’t look like me.
How can I be anorexic? I have a healthy looking body. Or at least I seem to think so. I barely shy of 5’8” and weighed 127 before my friends took away my scale. Since I started “treatment”…or being accountable for eating per my boyfriend and family members…my clothes fit a little tighter, but still work. I’m not the picture of anorexia. I’m not the girl in the magazines who is skin and bones. I fill out my jeans just fine.
I look at myself and don’t see someone who is too thin. I see normal…I am normal. Obviously not in the head.
My doctor says that I am killing myself. I hear that in the doctor’s office but find it SO HARD to bring myself to eat otherwise. I get anxious at the idea of having to go to get a meal at a restaurant with others. I moved back in with my ‘family’ and now am accountable 24 hours a day. Accountable to people who don’t understand the mental STORM which brews within me all waking hours of the day. We eat out a lot, and to avoid fights I have to figure mental and physical strategy at least twice a day. Stress, eat, stress, repeat. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate the fact that I can’t see the beauty that everyone else can see. How did I get here.
The sad thing is that I don’t want to fix it. I do….but I am SCARED TO DEATH to do it. Scared to look in the mirror and hate what I am looking at. Petrified to not feel the satisfaction and sheer joy when I dress up in a small size and feel beautiful and WORTHY. That is all of it… I have taught myself that image equals self worth. If I let go of my image, then what do I have to offer. This being said by a highly intelligent woman who holds a masters degree who once had unstoppable confidence. Where did she go? What did anorexia do with that girl??
How can I be anorexic? I have a healthy looking body. Or at least I seem to think so. I barely shy of 5’8” and weighed 127 before my friends took away my scale. Since I started “treatment”…or being accountable for eating per my boyfriend and family members…my clothes fit a little tighter, but still work. I’m not the picture of anorexia. I’m not the girl in the magazines who is skin and bones. I fill out my jeans just fine.
I look at myself and don’t see someone who is too thin. I see normal…I am normal. Obviously not in the head.
My doctor says that I am killing myself. I hear that in the doctor’s office but find it SO HARD to bring myself to eat otherwise. I get anxious at the idea of having to go to get a meal at a restaurant with others. I moved back in with my ‘family’ and now am accountable 24 hours a day. Accountable to people who don’t understand the mental STORM which brews within me all waking hours of the day. We eat out a lot, and to avoid fights I have to figure mental and physical strategy at least twice a day. Stress, eat, stress, repeat. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate the fact that I can’t see the beauty that everyone else can see. How did I get here.
The sad thing is that I don’t want to fix it. I do….but I am SCARED TO DEATH to do it. Scared to look in the mirror and hate what I am looking at. Petrified to not feel the satisfaction and sheer joy when I dress up in a small size and feel beautiful and WORTHY. That is all of it… I have taught myself that image equals self worth. If I let go of my image, then what do I have to offer. This being said by a highly intelligent woman who holds a masters degree who once had unstoppable confidence. Where did she go? What did anorexia do with that girl??
Reality Bites
God works in mysterious ways. Through a series of coincidences…that should not have occurred unless a whole series of other events had happened…I got in touch with an old friend who recently started working for a medical doctor who specializes in eating disorders. Apparently he is big. She got me an appointment with him and I went in Friday morning. The whole time that I am driving there I am telling both my father and boyfriend how I probably don’t even qualify enough to see this doctor and I will probably be wasting my money.
Turns out that I am bad. He did an EKG and a whole other battery of tests on me. In a nutshell, with the results I could have been admitted to the cardio care unit of the hospital immediately. My resting heart rate is over 15 points lower than the most elite athletes…and that was after a 30 oz cup of coffee. My heart has shrunk significantly due to starvation and lack of protein. He is amazed that I have not dropped of a heart attack yet with the amount of running that I do. I am strictly prohibited from doing any exercise and he is not sure when I will ever be able to again. He wants me to check into a care facility. I am also clinically depressed enough to recommend an inpatient hospitalization.
And I thought that I was on the bad side of relatively normal.
If GOD had not created all these coincidences I would have never known this and maybe ACCIDENTALLY checked out in who knows how far into the future. I would have done my triathlon and probably killed myself in the process.
The sad thing is that now that I am away from the doctor, I am struggling to eat. I KNOW how I need to feed my heart and my brain…and I am trying and I am doing better than before. But, I struggle mentally and am probably not yet to where I need to be calorie wise. I have binged a few times since and feel like total sh*t. I can’t exercise and that is the biggest mental struggle so far. If I can’t exercise than how can I eat. If I have to eat without the balance of exercise then how will I look good in my clothes? I am so screwed up in the head that I am more concerned with my image than my life. PLEASE HELP ME GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Turns out that I am bad. He did an EKG and a whole other battery of tests on me. In a nutshell, with the results I could have been admitted to the cardio care unit of the hospital immediately. My resting heart rate is over 15 points lower than the most elite athletes…and that was after a 30 oz cup of coffee. My heart has shrunk significantly due to starvation and lack of protein. He is amazed that I have not dropped of a heart attack yet with the amount of running that I do. I am strictly prohibited from doing any exercise and he is not sure when I will ever be able to again. He wants me to check into a care facility. I am also clinically depressed enough to recommend an inpatient hospitalization.
And I thought that I was on the bad side of relatively normal.
If GOD had not created all these coincidences I would have never known this and maybe ACCIDENTALLY checked out in who knows how far into the future. I would have done my triathlon and probably killed myself in the process.
The sad thing is that now that I am away from the doctor, I am struggling to eat. I KNOW how I need to feed my heart and my brain…and I am trying and I am doing better than before. But, I struggle mentally and am probably not yet to where I need to be calorie wise. I have binged a few times since and feel like total sh*t. I can’t exercise and that is the biggest mental struggle so far. If I can’t exercise than how can I eat. If I have to eat without the balance of exercise then how will I look good in my clothes? I am so screwed up in the head that I am more concerned with my image than my life. PLEASE HELP ME GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Obsessions
I found out yesterday....from a professional....that I have an eating disorder. What the hell is wrong with me and how come I dont want to fix it?? Normal people wouldnt want something like that to consume them, but I like the control. I didn't realize that you dont have to throw up or 100% starve yourself to have an eating disorder. Go figure. Apparently this is tied to how I see my self worth. It's true...and incredibly depressing. I am so down because someone professional called me out and labeled me...but no other reason. I dont want to fix it because that means that I might get fat and that means that I might be able to be happy with myself each time that I put on a size 0 or and xs label. I love myself and I hate myself all at the same time.
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