I learned to be anorexic. I taught myself over time that controlling what I ate and how I looked would help me feel like I was the driver’s seat. When nothing else in the world feels UNDER control, I always know THAT is something I’m in charge of.
Since my divorce I think that I have been desperately looking for some foundation on which to chart out my future. I have been grasping for some road map to gauge the direction on which my life is moving. I’m almost 31 years old with no marriage prospects, questioning my desire to have children, with a challenging career that can feel somewhat stagnant. Anorexia has helped me to cope with that feeling of disorientation. The pain of anorexia deflects me from thinking about the pain that I feel in my life about my lack of direction.
In my marriage I experienced quite a bit of emotional abuse from my ex-husband. The experience left me in a place of self doubt…am I beautiful enough to be loved?, do I have reason to be as self confident as I am? Anorexia has also helped to fill that hole. The more that I lost weight, the more positive attention I got. This is attention that I desperately craved from my ex-husband that I never got. Finally I was getting the affirmation that I so badly needed for years.
Where does this leave me? As a woman who bases her self worth on her weight and size and who is petrified to eat in the fear of gaining weight and returning to my old self. At this point, that overwhelming personal desire is bigger than my fear of death. No matter what people say to me about me looking better heavier, etc…I can’t hear any of it because I am the one who assigned this “worthy” label to myself at 125 lbs. If I am here I am safe and I am attractive and I am WORTHY of attention….positive or negative.
I have the most supportive and loving boyfriend who MET me 15 lbs heavier and who prefers that woman. He makes me feel like the amazingly beautiful woman my ex-husband should have made me feel like. But I am so far gone that no matter how much he begs me to gain weight, I don’t believe him. I don’t believe anyone who tells me that I look better heavier. I feel like everyone is just saying that to make me feel comfortable to eat.
I know that I’m sick. I just can’t unwire and I’m too scared to give up the control. I’m too scared to have to start feeling that pain of my disorientation in life.
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I think I got my password reset, I sent you an e-mail instead. Love Nanny Kathy
Hi my angel, remember in my comments how Uncle Rodney makes me feel like the sexiest woman alive. I look in the mirror and think OH MY GOD, this man is blind. But I know it is out of his love for me. Greg is not your fault my angel and if I had him for one minute he would then know that he lost the most wonderful thing in the world that could have hapened to him (plus he would be permanently disabled). He is not worth your time, pain and suffering. Please know that anorexia is also similar to being overweight where food rules your life and you just cannot stop, your body also suffers (diabetes, heart disease, disability, being unable to do things normal people can do). I love you so much and am praying for you daily.
Love -- Nanny Kathy
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