Daily Struggles

I am breaking down today. I went to the doctor yesterday. He basically sat and talked to us for 35 minutes about the fact that my insides are so damaged that my body needs a substantial amount of calories in order to try and repair what it can. In a nutshell he was trying to drill it into me that at this point I can eat a significant amount more than the average person to gain any weight….that I am free to let go right now and just eat.

I can’t do it. I don’t believe him.

He went on about how his really scary, skinny girls have to eat upwards of 4-5,000 calories a day before they start to put on any weight. He said that all excess fat in my diet won’t go to my thighs, but instead to padding my heart, etc.

I’m not buying it. He says that I don’t buy it because I don’t want to believe it.

I ate yesterday… I ate more than my NOW required 1,750 calories per day. I ate a wrap…and then ate some ice cream for lunch. I guess for that second I wanted to believe the doctor and indulged in my favorite food besides birthday cake. For dinner I ate a huge steak and baked potato. My boyfriend then brought me ice cream again after dinner. He said that if he didn’t see me eat the first bowl of ice cream after lunch that it doesn’t count. I ate it to make him happy and because I love ice cream.

I hate myself now. I am crying inside. If I eat I can only handle it for ONE DAY. I can’t keep eating because my world is out of control and OUT OF ORDER. I feel so fat and unmanageable. I melted down crying when my boyfriend made me at a bowl of cereal at 10am. I feel like if I ate yesterday I CAN’T eat today. My fingers and toes are cold and sweaty and clammy with anxiety. The doctor says that when that happens it is my body telling me that it ran out of calories and I need to eat, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m hungry and I can’t eat.

If I didn’t have support right now I know that I wouldn’t be eating on my own…or at least more than 7 or 800 calories.