Ramblings of a Ragamuffin

How do I feel?? How DO I feel??? Confused…longing for my old life back. Not wanting my old life back. Scared of the future….scared of the hurting and of hurting. Scared to take a leap of faith. Longing for this one to be the truth. Scared it isn’t. Scared of my life and how bumpy this path has been. This skin is a blessing and a curse. Scared of finding out the answers. Time to determine my life. Time to own my feelings.

Life is what happens when you are busy making plans. All I have ever done is make plans and not truly settle into any of them. When do I begin to own my life and my mistakes. When do I accept that the “new” is just that….. all new. When am I going to understand that the constant search of exhilaration is hollow in the end because I am left with nothing old and worn. Not bad worn, but worn like your favorite pair of old jeans that knows every inch of your body, or that old family blanket that symbolizes coming home….it knows how to comfort you by just existing. It’s sheer presence brings you warmth.

I am my own worst enemy. I’m the actress and the critic all wrapped up into one. The critic can see through the actress’s performance every time and writes the review before she even has a chance to appear on stage that night. The actress always beats herself up so much because she can’t re-live the bad review again.

The critic introduced the actress to anorexia. Anorexia made the actress deaf and blind…no longer susceptible to the pain the critic would hand out every night. Anorexia helped the guilt go away because the actress learned complete and utter self absorption. Who cares how well she does because she will always have anorexia to comfort her and affirm her that she is good enough. Screw what everyone else thinks as long as anorexia cares.

The problem is that anorexia isn’t welcome in the theater anymore. The door man threw anorexia out for heckling the actress…but she can only act when heckled. The actress has lost the motivation to perform if anorexia isn’t there to comfort and catch her….and belittle her. Why did the actress invite the critic OR Anorexia to come into her theater? And why has she chained herself to the confines of the theaters walls? It is a beautiful day outside but she can’t see through he dark curtains. She stays inside because acting feels comfortable like anorexia feels comfortable.

Stop acting. Stop being for others. Start to define what I am. Start to determine who I am. Start to love who is staring at me in the mirror...the truths that I can see through my skin. Decide why I’m so scared of no one loving the reflection. Stop being a coward and cowling in the wings. Get out in the daylight and learn to love the sun beating down on your skin. Breathe. Live.