Dear John,

Dear Anorexia,

I have come a long way since the first day we met…I learned you. I invested in our highs and lows. They tell me that it is time to let go of you, but I don’t know how. I want to let go of you, but I’m petrified of what I’ll find. You’ve left this shell of a woman who doesn’t know how to recover. Who was I when you came in my life…I’m not even sure that I remember anymore. Was I happy? And when did we meet?? Two years ago or 15 years ago? It is hard to remember. For some reason I swear we met once in passing before we got to know each other intimately.

To your credit…you never left me. You made me feel safe. I could always count on you. You gave me power and control when I needed it. But what I’m here to tell you today is it’s over...it has to be for me. They tell me I am supposed to be seeing that you gave me all this safety and control at a high price…you did this in a very DESTRUCTIVE AND HARMFUL way to me. I’m starting to agree with them….but it is so hard not be loyal to someone I’ve grown to depend on so much.

It needs to be over. Nothing truly rewarding ever came out of our relationship as much as I liked to think of at times. The arguments we have had in my head have nearly killed me. You made me do things that are DISGUSTING like abuse laxatives, losing a lot of weight, and lying to everyone (including myself) by being secretive and self isolating. I was always angry and hungry. You made me starve myself. You made me have medical conditions from this eating disorder. You made me feel worthless and robbed me of my self-esteem. Worst of all, getting over you and undoing your evils will be one of the hardest things in my life I will ever be forced to endure. I nearly lost everything because of you, including my life!! No matter how hard it is for me to admit, you are not good for me. All I have done is GIVE and all you have done is TAKE. I deserve more.

How could you do this to someone? ME or ANYONE for that matter. You take lives away. You obviously aren’t contrite…you are still out there grabbing on to someone else. YOU should be ASHAMED of YOURSELF. Instead you leave "us" to feel guilt and shame. I have done nothing but live with you, fight with you, and lose sense of who I am.

In all of this realization, I am trying to understand you and why I still need you at times. I am NOT a bad person (like you said I was), and if you would only let me see that. I have met some wonderful people through my recovery process. They really do care about ME..not what I look like or how much I weigh. It's "ME" they care about. The INSIDE stuff. And do you know what a wonderful feeling that is, to have someone care about me, for ME. I don't have to be THIN to be LOVED!! It’s a great concept that I am still learning to grasp. I look forward to when I internalize that wholly.

I’m not supposed to need your protection anymore, nor, do I have to pretend to be someone else. I abused you for that in the 2 years you were around. Through that time, I needed you to protect me, let me feel safe and worthy of myself. I’m not supposed to want that anymore…I want to learn to not need that anymore from you. I can protect myself (in a healthy way), and I am beginning to love myself and find out who I am.

I’m tired of living with you so maybe if I ask you to leave, you will. It’s my life and you can't have it. It's mine. This letter is GOOD-BYE!! Please leave me alone, I don't need you anymore or want you in my life! You have hurt me 2 years too much. This is now my life, not yours! One I have worked VERY HARD to build. I deserve a happy, healthy, ANOREXIA FREE LIFE!!

Megan