The Body Electorate

The Body is in full swing election

Campaigning for a senate seat in the house of body image

Her boney knuckles shift unbound in fight for dominance

An underdog

Given half a chance between nicotine streaked fingers

And crash diets

She blocks the mental carcinogens spewed from lips

All too familiar with late night binges

Her slogan:

Hunger only believes it’s beautiful

When beautiful becomes sculpted out of hunger

Chiseled marble forms in magazines

And all the young girls follow the Pied Piper

The candidate clutches her skin over ribs

Stretching their way back to healthy

After a brief encounter with it’s opponents tactics

Plastic surgery marking pouches of “excess”

The body approaches the podium

“As many of you know, I have, in the past,

Fallen victim to the shallow

And I’m here to tell you

The only hunger that’s beautiful

Is the hunger to know yourself

Together we can fight the opposition

Take back the power of blood breath bones

Let’s look in the mirror with naked reverence

At what each sacred body has to offer us

Let’s unstitch the seams of size 0 fabric

Quilt in patches to embrace the “excess”

It need not define us

It’s just skin in reflection but a masterpiece of excellence

The body pauses – notices – a demonstration swelling

Wallets fat with weight watchers and waif fashioninstas

Pouty lips and high rollers on the strip of celebrity

Her stomach growls in protest

Hunger is beautiful, hunger is beautiful

Still stretch marked with the roadmap of supposed perfection

She eats a sandwich

She laughs

Soon she will have the floor

She will filibuster Teen magazine for each girl

Making decisions based on air brushed images

For every woman weighing worth with a scale

Yes, these fat fists are taking on the industry

She’s voting for herself

I heard this read at a poetry slam by its author, Jocelyn Bates. We had randomly become friends that evening. The fact that this was her poem made me feel like God was involved in this one....

Burying My Head

A child.
Tenuous and scared.
Always questioning her worth.
Not thinking because then I might feel the lack.
Silencing the persistent screams of inadequacy.
Burying my head in the sand out of weakness.

A woman.
Flimsy and timorous.
Concealing the sting of self doubt.
Filling the hole frivolously.
Ignoring the persistent bawl of my mind.
Burying my head in the sand out of fear of knowing the truth.

I was hurt.
By someone I loved.
He judged and criticized my beauty.
I learned to believe what I had already told myself.
Already fragile, he broke me.
Disregard and run to escape the deafening screams.
Bury my head in the sand to assuage the unremitting sting.

Control the unrelenting cacophony in my head.
Control the screams of insipidness.
Control through a nocuous restriction.
Control through not loving or exposing.
Burying my head in the sand.

Into the Dark

Capricious desires out of trepidation and need for solace and warmth.
Follow me into the dark.
Angst and remorse for the reasons he can’t.
Guilt for the desire.

Desperate cries for help from the pain that I don’t want answered.
Under rug swept.

Truth cannot be evaded.
Peace can never be found in anguish.

Forlorn about the agonizing and obscure journey to lucidity and life.
Connections feel incomprehensible.
The hall is long and the solitary journey feels daunting.

Go it alone.
Trust He will carry you.
Discover the depth of spirit in loneliness.
Stop hurting others as your hurt yourself.

You’re fractured from the fall.
Find the strength to know you’re not broken.

The Water is Warm

Life is for living. Maybe some of my troubles stem from my inability do that. I pretend to live. I play to the ideals and ideas of what that means. I backpacked Europe….I’ve jumped out of planes….I’ve let loose and know how to be crazy…but do I feel? I report to life the way a worker reports to their simplistic, mundane job for their 9-5 shift….thoughtlessly and effortlessly. I’ve gone through the motions and checked all the boxes for 30 years.

But how do I feel? WHAT do I feel? Do I know how to hurt? Do I know how to give and to expose?

I’m coming to a realization that MAYBE I know nothing about what it means to LIVE. I know nothing about what it means to THINK. I’ve failed to take advantage of those beautiful connections that God leaves for those who are willing to dig. Skimming the surface and only dangling your feet in the water means missing out on the feel of how the water can completely engulf your body…the numbing feeling of the cold…the complete refreshment at the end…..and that comfortable, gratifying exhaustion after succumbing yourself wholly to the water.

I’m ready to cannonball in and get my hair wet every time. I’m ready but I’m not sure how to do it.

Fear stops me. Fear of what I’ll find and how those realizations will change my life. I’m hanging off a cliff grasping a tuft of grass to keep me from plummeting to my death. I forget I have another strong arm and a steady place to grab onto to pull myself up. I choose to put my faith in that slippery and fragile patch of grass because it is what I know. I have a fear that I will fall when I’m changing over to the other hand.

Yielding to that fear is part of living life and experiencing the liberation of knowing how to try.

Go dive in, Megan...the water is warm.

Wants and Wishes

I want to be happy.

I want to love myself completely.

I want control of my life back.

I want to internalize the extent of the damage I've done to my body.

I want my anorexic mind to release me of it's peril.

I want to accept the feeling of loneliness. The duplicitous balance of both complete extroversion and introversion can live harmoniously.

I want to learn to do things that make me happy.

I want to learn those things that DO make me happy.

I want to learn to lean on those who love me.

I want to learn to find confidence in the acceptance of my insecurities.

I want to stop searching for external validation from others and things.

I want to be able to run again.

I want to invest more in my friends and less in my romantic relationship with my ED.

I want to think of others as much as I consume myself with MYSELF.

I want to always be honest with myself.

I want to stop being scared and take down my walls.

I want to learn to let myself fall in love.

I want to take pride and invest in my work.

I want to learn balance between being in love with the idea of love and reality.

I want everyone to know how much I love them even when I don’t know how to show it.

I want to stop beating myself up about everything.

I want to learn to put others before myself more frequently.

I want to get closer to God. I want to get closer to God. I want to et closer to God.

I want to carry what I hear on Sunday past the doors of the church.

I want to not be so good at lying.

I want peace and sanity in my mind.

I want to make people feel as special as they make me feel.

I want to be closer to my non-immediate family.

I want to feel comfortable in my skin even if I am ten pounds heavier.

I want to forgive myself for my divorce and all my mistakes.

I want to internalize the fact that EVERYONE has made mistakes.

I want to start to learn more from them and stop repeating them.

I want to always be surrounded by those I love.

I want to have the ability to see something that looks good and just indulge.

I want to let go of the guilt I harbor for everything that I do.

I want to remember to pray and call at least one friend every day the same way I remember to brush my teeth.

I want people to think of me as the natural “go to” when they need comfort, love, and support.

I want to always just let go and be myself – no matter the situation.

I want to learn to always have fun….I AM a lot of fun!

I want to learn to own and love every facet of my being and personality.

I want to stop caring what others think.

I want to never again tweak myself to be what I think another wants.

I want to allow myself to be lazy sometimes.

I want to get closer to understanding myself and my life.

I want to stop trying to be someone that others like and just like myself.

I want to stop comparing myself to other women.

I want to stop looking to men for personal validation.

I want to believe that people love me for who I am, not what I look like.

I want to be better at cleaning my house and stop trying to hide the fact that I’m not.

I want to accept myself if I don’t ever get better at it.

I want to stop pretending to be someone I think is desirable to others.

I want to stop feeling like I need to make the bed everyday.

I want to stop obsessing in general.

I want to start drinking more water AND more beer.

I want to decrease the time I feel like I need to spend at the gym and increase the time I dedicate to spending with friends.

I want to cut myself some SLACK!

I want to listen to more music and watch less television.

I want to take more pictures and not care how I look in them.

I want to learn to let myself TRULY FEEL.

I want to stop feeling like I need to put on such a stoic front.

I want to give myself permission.

I want to face reality and the responsibilities of life a little better.

I want to stop feeling so accountable.

I want to stop being so idealistic so I stop always feeling so let down and discouraged.

I want to let go of the concept of perfection.

I want to eat more ice cream.

I want to learn to slow down and be patient.

I want to love my body.

I want to own my own life.

I want to stop settling.

I want to learn to settle a little more.

I want to finally admit that honesty with myself and others is always feels better in the end.

I want to admit that I have a problem and be ok with getting help.

I want to use this list to take a second stab at my life.

I want to forgive myself if I forget half of the things on this list in that process.

I want to stop perfecting this list....the fact that I have revisited it so many times is so indicative of my perfectionist nature.

Simple Together

Simple Together - Alanis Morissette

You’ve been my golden best friend
Now with post-demise at hand
Can’t go to you for consolation
Cause we’re off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can’t stop bumping into things

I thought we’d be simple together
I thought we’d be happy together
Thought we’d be limitless together
I thought we’d be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

You’ve been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew god’s face was handsome
With you I suffered an expansion

This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And I can’t stop dropping everything

I thought we’d be sexy together
Thought we’d be evolving together
I thought we’d have children together
I thought we’d be family together
But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we’d be genius together
I thought we’d be healing together
I thought we’d be growing together
Thought we’d be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

Thought we’d be exploring together
Thought we’d be inspired together
I thought we’d be flying together
Thought we’d be on fire together
But I was sadly mistaken

That I Would Be Good - Alanis Morissette

That I would be good even if i did nothing
That I would be good even if i got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That i would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That i would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That i would be great if I was no longer queen
That i would be grand if i was not all knowing

That i would be loved even when i numb myself
That i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
That i would be loved even when i was fuming
That i would be good even if i was clingy

That i would be good even if i lost sanity
That i would be good

Dear John,

Dear Anorexia,

I have come a long way since the first day we met…I learned you. I invested in our highs and lows. They tell me that it is time to let go of you, but I don’t know how. I want to let go of you, but I’m petrified of what I’ll find. You’ve left this shell of a woman who doesn’t know how to recover. Who was I when you came in my life…I’m not even sure that I remember anymore. Was I happy? And when did we meet?? Two years ago or 15 years ago? It is hard to remember. For some reason I swear we met once in passing before we got to know each other intimately.

To your credit…you never left me. You made me feel safe. I could always count on you. You gave me power and control when I needed it. But what I’m here to tell you today is it’s over...it has to be for me. They tell me I am supposed to be seeing that you gave me all this safety and control at a high price…you did this in a very DESTRUCTIVE AND HARMFUL way to me. I’m starting to agree with them….but it is so hard not be loyal to someone I’ve grown to depend on so much.

It needs to be over. Nothing truly rewarding ever came out of our relationship as much as I liked to think of at times. The arguments we have had in my head have nearly killed me. You made me do things that are DISGUSTING like abuse laxatives, losing a lot of weight, and lying to everyone (including myself) by being secretive and self isolating. I was always angry and hungry. You made me starve myself. You made me have medical conditions from this eating disorder. You made me feel worthless and robbed me of my self-esteem. Worst of all, getting over you and undoing your evils will be one of the hardest things in my life I will ever be forced to endure. I nearly lost everything because of you, including my life!! No matter how hard it is for me to admit, you are not good for me. All I have done is GIVE and all you have done is TAKE. I deserve more.

How could you do this to someone? ME or ANYONE for that matter. You take lives away. You obviously aren’t contrite…you are still out there grabbing on to someone else. YOU should be ASHAMED of YOURSELF. Instead you leave "us" to feel guilt and shame. I have done nothing but live with you, fight with you, and lose sense of who I am.

In all of this realization, I am trying to understand you and why I still need you at times. I am NOT a bad person (like you said I was), and if you would only let me see that. I have met some wonderful people through my recovery process. They really do care about ME..not what I look like or how much I weigh. It's "ME" they care about. The INSIDE stuff. And do you know what a wonderful feeling that is, to have someone care about me, for ME. I don't have to be THIN to be LOVED!! It’s a great concept that I am still learning to grasp. I look forward to when I internalize that wholly.

I’m not supposed to need your protection anymore, nor, do I have to pretend to be someone else. I abused you for that in the 2 years you were around. Through that time, I needed you to protect me, let me feel safe and worthy of myself. I’m not supposed to want that anymore…I want to learn to not need that anymore from you. I can protect myself (in a healthy way), and I am beginning to love myself and find out who I am.

I’m tired of living with you so maybe if I ask you to leave, you will. It’s my life and you can't have it. It's mine. This letter is GOOD-BYE!! Please leave me alone, I don't need you anymore or want you in my life! You have hurt me 2 years too much. This is now my life, not yours! One I have worked VERY HARD to build. I deserve a happy, healthy, ANOREXIA FREE LIFE!!

Megan